Archives For friendship

Loving When It Hurts

February 6, 2017 — 2 Comments

Have you ever purchased furniture that comes in a box? Our office is full of IKEA desks and bookshelves from the Swedish furniture titan.  As I begin each assembly, I open the manual, look at the simple pictures, and review the short list of required tools. Filled with unbridled but unfounded optimism, I naively dive into the assembly.

However, as each project unfolds, my frustration inevitably grows.  The simple pictures are never simple to follow. In fact, I’ve never reached the end of a project and thought, “That was easy!”  Each piece takes far more time to assemble than anticipated, eroding my patience to pitiful levels and causing me to mutter Swedish words.

This doesn’t just apply to furniture assembly. For many of us, when we first stepped out into the work of loving and serving others, we had a simplistic (and perhaps naïve) vision of just how easy it was going to be. Turns out, loving others is far more complicated and difficult than we originally imagined.

Several years ago, my wife and I attended a summit designed for families walking through adoption and foster care. I imagine that most of the attendees found themselves in the same place that I did: armed with the ardent conviction of our call to love and care for orphans, widows, and vulnerable children. God has been unmistakably clear in His charge to the Church to care for them. To Laurel and I, our next step seemed obvious: Kids in crisis were in need of a safe place to live, and we had room in our hearts and our home. The math was simple, and love rooted in the Gospel compelled us to respond.

But cheerful brochures with smiling children hide the reality that between those moments of giggles are a lot of tears.

Our family took a deep breath, and plunged head-first into a world of addiction, hurt, and pain. We opened up our home to provide respite care, knowing that loving people is an inherently dangerous thing to do. We genuinely believed that we were ready.

Nothing could have prepared us for what was coming.

Our experience in welcoming a child turned into the single most painful season of our lives. I experienced fear like I’ve never felt it before. Pain and resentment became constant companions—and the most wrenching pain that I experienced was watching the people that I love the most become deeply wounded.

Here is what I’ve come to believe: There are no simple ways to love others. Love is costly. Indeed, as people invited to incarnate Christ in a broken world, if our love looks anything like Jesus’ love, it could cost us everything that we’ve got. Faithfully loving others like Jesus loves them inevitably means that you will experience hurt.

Stepping out to welcome the foreigner, protect the widow, defend the fatherless, and love our brothers and sisters living on the fringes of society isn’t comfortable or safe. Empowered by the Holy Spirit and motivated by the same wild, scandalous love that once rescued us, we are called to step into the good works that God has prepared in advance for us. If you have embarked on a journey to love the vulnerable and found it to be more difficult than you imagined, do not lose heart!

How are we to respond to the pain that accompanies living lives marked by costly love?

 1. Expect that loving others is going to be hard.

Don’t believe the IKEA manual claim that the task ahead of you will be simple, or that trite explanations and simple solutions are going to fix all the problems. Real life rarely presents itself in a sanitized, comfortable way.

Instead, lean into the truth that the world is broken. We know that Jesus has won the war—but the battle rages on. We shouldn’t be surprised when life is painful. We shouldn’t be surprised when relationships are difficult. We shouldn’t be surprised when hurt people hurt us.

We are to go into our service with our eyes wide open that “in this world you will have troubles” (John 16:33).

What’s the benefit of expecting it? It helps us to more fully enter into the beautiful moments of life—the hugs, the smiles, the “I love you’s.” Enjoy these moments. Savor them. But don’t be surprised when they’re intertwined with heartbreak.

When we expect challenges, we increase our ability to savor the moments of joy and cling firmly to the second part of the verse from John’s gospel: “Take heart, for I have overcome the world.”

 2. Call for help.

IKEA manuals always have the same last picture: Call someone.

Pierre, a friend of mine, told me that in rural Rwanda, it’s common knowledge that you always need at least four close friends, people you can call at any time, day or night. It’s four, because that’s the number of people it takes to carry a stretcher.

Strong lifelong friendships don’t just happen; they take intentionality and commitment. Invest in the relationships that matter, and they will sustain you in all seasons of life.

When we reached out to a friend in the midst of the pain of adoption, she responded, “We are going to walk this together, and while we don’t know God’s big picture or the end result, I believe many lives will be changed and hearts will be saturated with the reality of true Kingdom loving. Don’t look ahead. Just do the next thing. Trust and obey. One loving act at a time.” In that moment, it was exactly what we needed to hear.

3. Look up. Constantly.

In moments of incredible trial, where do we fix our eyes?

  • We might look back and obsess over our past. Previous failures and “if-only” scenarios can crush us, if we let them.
  • We might look forward and fret over our future. This is especially easy when we still have questions about what is going to come in the next moment, let alone the next month or next year.
  • We might look inward and become paralyzed by our hurt.
  • We might look side-to-side and ask why other people seem to have it infinitely easier than we do.

Yet we are to be a people of hope who look up. This is not a cliché. These are true words. When life feels impossibly hard, we remember that we have nowhere else to go. As we read in Psalms 121, “I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, Maker of Heaven and earth.” Look to Jesus, the One who perfectly shows us what wild, scandalous, costly, fearless love looks like in practice.

Friends, as you step out in the significant work of loving others, do it empowered by the Spirit and saturated in grace. Do it surrounded by a community of people cheering you on and supporting you. Do it knowing that God has promised to use all things, both the moments of great success and moments of heart-wrenching pain, for our good and His glory.

My hope is that we will be known as people who run to the suffering and the hurting, instead of running away. That we will stop to make time to respond to the needs all around us—even though doing so will bring both beauty and pain. That we would be prepared to live fearlessly and love boldly. And that we will continue to press into the dangerous work of loving like Jesus.

Around this time last year, I celebrated another birthday—and not just any birthday. This was the big one. The 4-Ohhhhnoooo. I went to bed a sprightly 39-year-old and woke up looking like the guy who can’t sleep in a cold medicine commercial.

40th birthday candles

I was finally 40—statistically, my life’s halftime.

I’ve played enough soccer to know the importance of halftime; it’s a moment to pause, reflect on your performance, determine what changes need to be made, and then step back onto the field to finish the game. Because of this, I thought a lot more about turning 40 than I have about any other birthday. (So much, in fact, that I wrote a whole book about it!)

I want to remember some of dominant themes that captured my thinking during my “halftime year.” Here are the things that will stick with me as I live into my second half:

1. Write your eulogy.

Writing your eulogy sounds like a horribly depressing thing to do. Seriously, who does that? Well, I did. And I’d suggest you do it, too.

The benefit is that it forces you to remember that one day, people will gather together, lower you into a hole in the ground, say a few nice words about you, and cover you with dirt. Then they’ll eat mediocre potato salad and go about the business of living until it’s their turn.

None of us can escape death. The question is, in light of that day, how will you live this day? That’s something we can influence. And when we think today through the lens of tomorrow, I believe it makes a difference in how we live today.

Writing your eulogy brings into sharp clarity what matters most, and might just change the way you live your life.

2. Love those you’re closest to well.

When we count our days, we have the opportunity to recalibrate, focusing less on achievements and more on people, especially those closest to us.

We think less about accolades and more about relationships. We obsess less about our full inboxes and more about planning coffee with our parents. We think about saying “no” to the next business trip so that we can be there to read to the kids at bedtime and kiss them on the forehead as they drift off to sleep.

We think about how we can help our friends and family grow in grace, so that together, we can more clearly see and experience a God who is at work in the midst of life’s brokenness.

It has always been easier for me to think more about trying to be successful at work than trying to be successful at home. One of my halftime reflections is that I never want to fail in letting the people closest to me to know how much I love them.

3. Keep your friends.

Research shows that by age 36, most men have made their closest friends. Recently I heard that a shockingly small number report having any close friends at all. Statistically, women tend to do a better job of maintaining their relationships, but by midlife, many of us find friendships to be in dwindling supply—precisely when we most desperately need them.

Life isn’t meant to be lived in isolation. Because of this, I want to prioritize time with friends. In college, I used to run with my roommate as we were preparing for soccer season. Today, we go for power walks. It’s old and lame, but deeply important. (And sometimes, I’m convinced that I can still hear the strains of the soundtrack from Chariots of Fire lilting in the background.)

In a rare moment of hopefulness, the writer of Ecclesiastes says, “A cord of three strands is not easily broken.” Though this verse is often quoted during weddings, its original context is actually more suited to refer to friendships in general. Without time and attention, our friendships will drift. Yet we need our friends. Let’s make sure our ropes are strong as we enter the second half.

4. Make peace with your finances.

When it comes to money, few people ever feel as though they’ve “arrived.” There is always more to be had but midlife is a moment to discover contentment.

A few years ago, a friend introduced me to the idea of setting a “lifestyle cap” early on in life. Even if earnings increase, income remains the same, and any additional funds are automatically shared, rather than spent on personal consumption.

As a family, we are working to make peace with our financial finish line. We have enough. And that is a wonderfully freeing place to be.

Halftime is over. It’s time to get back in the game. And I think I’m going to play the second half differently than I did the first half. How about you—how will your second half compare to your first?

40/40 Vision

Learn more about rediscovering who God has called you to be:

40/40 Vision:
Clarifying Your Mission for Midlife

by Peter Greer and Greg Lafferty
from Intervarsity Press